Why Me?

You know the question is coming one day, and no matter when it does, it sucks because really, there is no answer for it.

Why me?

We got that question two nights ago. Sean was having a really hard day. He came home from school very agitated, which can happen whether he has a good or bad day. (My guess is likely sensory overload from the bus) He was not exactly cooperative with Susan, his new TSS, and fought throughout the night with Braden and Emma. By 8pm I had had it, and told him it may be best if he just went to bed for the night and made a clean start tomorrow.

That suggestion threw Sean into one of his famous meltdowns. The best way I can describe it is a temper tantrum times 10. The screaming, crying, flopping, etc. lasts for an hour or more. Nothing or no one can stop it once it starts. His body gets stiff as a board, his eyes practically bulge out of their sockets, and things will be thrown or hit that get in the way. They are scary and frustrating at the same time.

BJ managed to get him upstairs to take a bath, and it seems something in the water chilled him out a little bit. Well, it did to the point where he went from screaming anger to agonizing sobs.

BJ called me upstairs, where Sean had broken down in tears. Over and over again, Sean apologized for everything that happened. He couldn't control it. And that's one thing you do have to understand when it comes to these autism-related meltdowns; he can't control them. He will eventually be taught to with all of the therapy in place now, but it's not going to happen at 7-and-a-half years of age.

We assured him it was okay, but then he went on. He asked us why him. Why does he have Asperger's? Why can't we get rid of it? Why does he have to be bad? He told us he hated his Asperger's and he wanted it to go away so he could be nice again. By the time he was done saying all of this, BJ and I were crying almost as hard as he was.

The hardest thing is that we can't answer why he has Asperger's, and we may never be able to. Even the experts don't know what causes autism.

As heartbreaking as that night was, it actually does mean something good. Sean is becoming more aware of his condition, and he wants to start working to improve it. All of the hard work so far is starting to show some positive results, and I pray we get many more breakthroughs like this in the months and years to come.